Letter to my angel Sammie

I have heard that there are many benefits of writing a letter to a loved one who has passed on. It helps with the grieving or healing process.  Here's mine...

My dearest Sammie,

Thank you for sending me those signs everyday. Especially when I am feeling just a bit lost and empty, I would see a butterfly image somewhere around the house, like in a random magazine last week. Or when I am out, I would see butterflies of all shapes and colours fluttering around with joy.

I miss you very much. I love you so much. It has been almost one month and I miss you so much and loved to cuddle you. The month has passed so quickly and I think I have been occupying myself with things to do, classes to take to distract myself from feeling. I know how wrong it is! I have been focusing so much on what I am going to do to fill up the time that I have and have been coming up with lists and lists of things to do. Now, I am a nervous wreck thinking too much about the future. Oh GOSH, I know! I know you are going to tell me to relax and just be in the moment. What a difficult task!

Sometimes, I feel like all of this is just unfair. Why would something like this happen to you, you are just so adorable and beautiful. Why I couldn't take you home or spend more time with you? Why loving you breaks my heart? You have done nothing wrong to harm anyone and why would you have to go through so much? Where is God?

Losing you makes me feel like a part of me has died and I am forever a changed person. I know I haven't been expressing my feelings as much as I want to. Some of these emotions are stuck, I can feel it in my belly, all that anxiety, anger and grief are still stuck there, needing to be shifted. I guess I gotta just let it be and trust that healing is taking place. Sammie, would you help mummy and guide me on my journey to peace and happiness?

I guess Thank goodness I am aware of it. That's the first step isn't it, my lil Sammie. I guess, after one month, both daddy and mummy are doing not too bad. We are still doing things, we cry but also laugh, we appreciate one another so much, knowing how fragile and precious life is. We talk about you openly and we try our best to express our feelings to each other. This is all new but I guess change is the only thing constant in the human life.

Guess what, we are even drinking green smoothies! Yay to us.

Love you Sammie.

Mummy.

Grieve

Some days I feel light and free, enjoying this change trusting that this is an opportunity for myself to do things differently in my life. Some days, I find myself crying early in the morning, feeling low, full of grief, missing my precious little Sammie. Especially on that last day of my Bali retreat. I am allowing myself to feel the emotions as they arise as I know how important it is to honour them, to give them importance as overtime my heart will heal. Each day I take it as it is, letting go and just showing up and doing things that I love.

I have a plan for my grieving. Yeah, sounds odd. But I think I like to take responsibility or take charge over my life. I have thought of doing a self care/grieve rescue box where I can just go to during moments when I need the extra love or when that wave of grief uninvitingly hit you hard in your heart. I am reading books on grief and loss as reading another person's story somehow brings comfort to me and knowing how they cope gives me inspiration and hope.

One of my top things to do as part of my grieving process is to not walk away from looking at her pictures or avoiding it, which is something I tend to do in the past. I decide to face it straight on. Boy, it was just so tough. The first day of sorting and compiling and editing her pictures, I was in tears for hours. The second day got easier and now I am almost done with her photobook and I am feeling that great sense of accomplishment! Go Sue!You can do this!

I decided to commit myself to a 365 day gratitude and thank you project. I am exciteddd! I have signed up for cake decorating class in Greensborough and I am all set for my first day of photography course this coming Saturday. Life is just too short to not follow my heart. Life can be quite good if we change our perspective.

love to all...