It's ok to be vulnerable

“What shames us, what we most fear to tell, does not set us apart from others; it binds us together if only we can take the risk to speak it.” – Starhawk.


The left chest drain is back. The doctors had to perform an emergency surgery to insert the tube into her left chest to drain out air, this time the problem is air and not much the fluid. When I found out about this when I took my parents to visit Sammie, I was vulnerable. Fear based thoughts flow into my mind. I was scared, sad and in pain myself. When I saw her, my heart aches so badly thinking of what she has to go through. I am so sorry, my precious little one. 

Fear is not love. I knew that I had to love myself more to overcome this as I felt hurt. I need the space to work through these emotions. I just need some time to really take care of myself emotionally. I know I can do it, I can be strong again for her.

I am very grateful that she's alive and giving her all to be with us. I welcome her with an open heart and  heaps of unconditional love. I love her very much.


Positive affirmation for the day: I give my body and mind permission to feel however they want to feel. I don’t try to manipulate or alter my feelings. They are what they are.

Dearest Sammie...

Mummy was so excited to see you yesterday. You opened your eyes when we came, as though knowing that we were there by your side. You are such a strong baby, so resilient and so inspiring. There are so much that you have taught Mummy since you were born 2 weeks ago. You showed your authentic self the whole time, expressing how you feel all the time without holding back and never giving up. Mummy is so proud of you.

After expressing milk by your side, I saw you in distress. It could be because of the secretions as a result of a huge breathing tube down your throat or it could be because you are uncomfortable and in pain. Mummy saw you trying to pull out those tubes. I know you don't want them, it's probably annoying for you, but please listen to mummy, and the doctors, the better you get, the less tubes you have. Remember that.

You know the feeling of your heart being pierced sharply by thousands of knives? That's how I felt at that moment, Sam. I wish I could take the pain, discomfort from you for myself. All I want is for you to be happy, healthy and safe. That simple, no other expectations. I know I have to be very strong for you as you are so strong yourself...As your auntie Lilin said, you are showing signs that you are more aware, recovering and thus more expressive with how you feel. We can see this in a positive way and believe that this is only temporary and the pain will pass.

Although mummy feel that way, I still believe in you and have heaps of faith that you are going to be healthy and happy and in mummy's arms one day.

Daddy visited you last night again and you held his hand and he told me that you looked happy and settled. He must have tempted you with the countless Mcdonalds that you can have and the holidays that he will take you along...hehe..

Thank you Sammie, for being my daughter...I love you very much.

Ps...Daddy found out yesterday that Mummy has been writing on this blog. He hasn't seen it yet and I know he doesn't like me to go into details. I kept it a lil secret because I knew I had to follow my heart and do whatever that makes me feel better. Having this allow me reaffirm things, refocus, and as well as keep me connected with friends and family that I care so much about. With this blog, I didn't have to repeat the whole story again and again and thus focusing on the drama of it so many times. There are better things to channel my energy to. However, I want people I care so much about to walk with me in this journey, to be in my life, and not block them out. I can trust my family and friends to keep it private and to respect what I have shared in here. Hope that Daddy's not too angry and is forgiving.


XOXO,
Mummy.

What Faith can do...

I wake up really early in the mornings. That's when I will express milk and I will have this urge to write on this blog. I am not sure why I do that, it just happens. Probably early mornings are peaceful and quiet and my thoughts just flow in and I know what to write for the day.

Yesterday, I did more meditation. I meditate willingly now, i do not have to make excuses for not doing it on a daily basis. Just like exercise is good for the physical body, meditation is sooo good for the mind.

I thank my lucky stars that I spend the past year learning it, attending free lunchtime buddhist meditations at the Uni and signing up for mindfulness courses. However, I found it hard to continue practising and overtime, it's becomes not part of my lifestyle. I am amazed about how Life works, how everything is divinely timed. I am so thankful that I am able to meditate and be open about it.

"Meditation is your free and portable healing agent whose only side effects are peace of mind and rejuvenation"

Hubby went to visit Sam last night and when the doctors did their rounds, they gave him an update. A significant update. The left chest drain has been removed!!!! WOOO HOOO! This is BIG for me. I never thought it would happen so soon, I had hope but I knew I have to be patient. Every cell in my body wants to scream "YAY". I am so proud of Sammie, for progressing in the right direction, for listening to mummy. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is what faith can do.

Today's affirmation:-

It's Possible.

I am here to open my heart even more, the Love inside me is stronger than the pain i feel. Love is worth being open.

I breathe in love and flow with life.

I allow and welcome good to flow into my life. I deserve it.  :-)

Today is the day I have been looking forward to, I will be visiting Sammie. Thinking of it makes me so excited and happy. I am so grateful for everything in my life now. I am thankful that I am able to visit her at NICU and spend some quality time with her. As I am only able to visit her every couple of days, I think I am going to appreciate every moment. :-)

All is well in my world.

Being patient

As Sammie is stable now, I now have to be patient with her, gentle and allow her to recover at her own pace. I believe in her, i let go and wait for the miracles to flow...

“Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Patience child, patience. Remember, life is a journey. If you got everything you wanted all at once there’d be no point to living. Enjoy the ride, and in the end you’ll see these “setbacks” as giant leaps forward, only you couldn’t see the bigger picture in the moment. Remain calm, all is within reach; all you have to do is show up every day, stay true to your path and you’ll surely find the treasure that you seek.” – Jackson Kiddard

And this is one from my Doreen Virtue book, Daily Guidance From Your Angels:

Take It Easy

“Sometimes you struggle and strain to achieve so much that you unwittingly block yourself. This is especially true when you want something so bad that you try over and over again to make it happen.

The universe responds to the fear imprinted into the energy of struggle. This underlying anxiety that maybe what you desire won’t materialise is mirrored back to you in the form of limitations, delays, and unsatisfactory manifestations.

That’s why surrendering brings about immediate results. When you deliver your wish to the universe, you also release the fears that previously blocked you. Letting go is a statement that says, “I know my wish is manifesting in the best possible way, even if I’m not certain exactly how it will happen.” This faith is akin to opening the front door and welcoming your desire into your home.

Take it easy today, and allow the universe to do the work of creating your dreams. Your job was done once you made the wish, so turn it over to God and enjoy the creative ways in which your prayers are answered.”

Day 11, Wednesday, 22nd May

Today is day 11 of Samantha's NICU stay. My precious lil daughter was more settled when hubby went to visit her yesterday. He sees her twice everyday to talk and sing to her. As I am in my confinement, I fully accept that I am going to see her every couple of days or alternate days, so that I can rest, recover and be physically, emotionally, mentally strong for her.

On saturday, I felt like I was in prison! Today, I decided to appreciate this opportunity as I am blessed with time for myself. I get to practise an act of self love, to recover from the intensity of everything for the past couple of weeks.  I realised that I always have a choice to change the way i think. I am going to view this as a little retreat whereby I am focusing on my body, mind and soul. I guess, if I don't love myself first, how do I love others? If mom's happy, baby's happy for sure. :-)

"The art of motherhood is to find the perfect balance between giving the best to your child and also keeping yourself happy"

I woke up at 5am this morning, having the longest continuous deep sleep so far! I am feeling good, well rested and very positive.

Hubby's been cooking a yummy variety of confinement food, all with consultation with his own mummy. I am so lucky to have him and my parents in law. I know my mom in law cares so much for me and bought all these herbs and taught hubby about confinement. She's in the baby business and thus, she has probably seen it all, knowing that this is important. For me, I just accept the love and go with it, appreciating all the efforts taken to prepare them.

I do miss baby on days when I am not visiting her. However, I always console myself that she's in the best place ever and she's having private special moments with daddy first.

I keep myself occupied with expressing milk every 2 hours. I feel happy doing this, and I don't understand why. I guess we don't need explanations or justifications for everything. I will be seeing the lactation nurse at NICU for some advice and also to check in if I am on track with the expressing. As long as I feel positive about this, I will continue with it.
I know the doctors warned me that there is a chance Samantha might not accept my breast milk very well or it could cause accumulation of fluid in her chest. I won't give up just like this. For me, anything can happen in future, at this present moment, this is what I want to do so that if she can drink my breast milk, I have the supply for her. Life has heaps of risks anyway, why not just take the leap of faith.

Today, hubby will be collecting our new car! I am just so excited and happy that things are slowly coming together and falling in place.

A malaysian midwife from the royal women's hospital who took care of me texted me last night saying that she has been praying for Samantha and been visiting her. She told me that when she saw her last, my lil Sammie opened her eyes. She must have felt the love from this midwife. She was the one who told me to visualise a whole, healthy and smiling baby and ignore all the tubes and scary equipment. She told me that she emailed her church friends to pray for us. I can't believe this, how strangers, willingly extend their help and support you though. For me, she must be one of the angels on earth. I am truly thankful for her. She took care of me on my second day of surgery, where i had to get out of my bed, one of the obstacles and it was comforting to have a malaysian motherly midwife to help me.

My mom and dad are arriving on Friday and I just can't wait. It will be so comforting to have them around. It's nice having my own mummy close to me in this situation. My dad is really excited that he's now a grandfather. My parents in law packed up 48kg worth of herbs, chinese medicine and some baby stuffs for my parents to bring over. Hubby told me that when his parents went over to my house in Malaysia, my dad proudly showed them pictures of Samantha on my wide screen tv. Hehe, thinking of this makes me smile.

I have so many things to be grateful for and I can see so much good flowing into my life. Our parents have always been in touch with us everyday, I think the connection get stronger as a result of this.

Stacey has been sending me emails which I love and look forward. I have learnt so much from this girl. I love her perspective of life and her positivity is infectious. She makes ppl laugh and she's a blessing to me.

Su Ying has been providing so much love to me and Sammie too!! always praying for us, ensuring I was ok and respected me as a friend.

Yvonne made me two bracelets which was carefully thought of and are a symbol of good luck, one for the baby and myself. Sammie and I are just so lucky!

Life is good. :-)

Find the gift within painful situations

I see the gifts within every situation I encounter. I am strong, sure and steady and God already knows the solution to every problem in my life. I surrender this situation with love and faith to the Divine, infinite wisdom of God. Thank You, God, for assisting me in every way. I now accept Your help completely.

Since mother's day, Sammie showed improvements, day by day. She showed us signs that she wanted to live and is going to fight the battle. She did a wee, I was just elated! Then she went on and did a poo, I couldn't be happier. It was all the small things that she did that mattered. She started to look more like a baby, the fluid retention reduced as she did more wee. Her medications slowly reduced, the scary equipment were weaned off and things started to get better. She is having food/nutrient via IV as she's not ready to have breast milk.

Then on Day 5 and Day 6, I welcomed visitors. I asked for support and help. I suddenly felt empowered doing that. I asked all my friends to bring something special for her, to decorate the area around her cot. I could focus on this, on creating a positive and loving environment for her.

My family deserve all good and happiness. Our friends are amazing, they came with gifts and thoughts and wishes for her. They prayed for her in front of us. They brought in cards with words that touches my heart, toys, symbols of love and blessings to her. They made me laugh with jokes and stories, it made things more normal. I felt the love and their love and wishes for Samantha. We are lucky and so grateful.

Her condition is stable now. She is getting stronger, lots of poo poo and urine. The fluid that she accumulated in her chest reduced. I will be patient for it to be completely gone. I just hope that she continues to stay tough, strong and overcome this tough battle. My hearts aches so much whenever I know she's unsettled, more aware and probably feeling some pain. When I am visiting and she's uncomfortable, I would hold her head and allow her to hold my finger. I can't help but feel sad sometimes that she has to go through pain and suffering when she's so tiny. My heart hurts.

Doctors are very happy with how she was progressing. She's getting very cute, especially when she opens her two eyes and give you that innocent stare. I know that I will be taking a roller coaster ride, there will be ups and downs. I embrace the experience, focus on the good and have faith.

I believe there is always some hidden blessing, such as learning patience, compassion, forgiveness and strength. I will focus on the blessing and always feel grateful no matter how hard it is or will be.

Today, I am grateful that she is alive. I am blessed. I believe in her.

A Day for Letting Go

Make the most of the present day. By Melody Beattie

EACH DAY, we can ask for and accept the healing energy of God and the Universe. Open your hearts and let that energy flow to you, through you, and on to others. When you live in the here-and-now, you can allow life to happen instead of trying to force outcomes. When you relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future, you can truly make the most of each present day.

Here are 10 affirmations to help you let go and let life happen!

Accepting Change:

Today I will be open to the process of change. I will trust my Higher Power and believe that the place where I’ll be dropped off is better than the place where I was picked up. I know that change is necessary to take me wherever I need to go.

Loving Myself Unconditionally:

Today I will work at loving myself unconditionally. God, please help me let go of self-loathing and other unproductive behaviors. Today, God, I want to hold myself in high self-esteem. I know I can do so with Your help.

Releasing Fear:

Today I will ask God to help me let go of my need to be afraid. I welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety into my life. I will make a point of listening to my healthy, rational fears, and will relinquish all the others.

Taking Risks:

Today I will ask God to help me begin to take healthy risks. I will ask for assistance in letting go of my fear of failure . . . and success. I will ask for help in fully living my life so that I can start experiencing all the wonderful parts of my journey.

Taking Time for Meditation and Prayer:

Today I will take a moment for meditation and prayer. I know that I’m a creation of God, and He loves me. God, through meditation and prayer, I have faith that I will hear You when You talk to me, and You will listen when I talk to You.

Apologizing:

Today I will try to be clear and healthy in my apologies, taking responsibility for my own actions and nobody else’s. I will seek God’s help in figuring out what I truly need to apologize for, and I will do so without reservation.

Focusing on Peace:

Today I will focus on a peaceful pace, rather than a harried one. I will keep moving forward gently, not frantically. I will let go of my need to be anxious and upset and will replace these feelings with calmness and harmony.

Allowing Things to Happen:

Today I will let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. I will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will have faith that my lessons will reveal themselves in their own time.

Practicing Gratitude:

Today I will practice gratitude. I will get in the habit of saying thank you, even for the “problems” in my life, because these challenges are valuable lessons I can learn from. Gratitude is the key that turns problems into blessings, and the unexpected into gifts.

Trusting God:

Today I will ask my Higher Power to send me His best, and I will trust that all that is good will come to me. I will remember that sometimes we don’t get what we want because God has something infinitely better in store for us.

Today, I let go.  :-)

What you can do as a friend or relative?

(I stole this from Life's little treasures foundation website)
As a friend or relative of someone who has just experienced the birth of a premature or sick newborn, you might be unsure about how to act. Here are a few suggestions to assist you

Do’s

• Congratulate the parents on the birth of their baby. 
• Acknowledge the stress and toll Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) / Special Care Nursery (SCN) life can take.
• Offer positive comments.
• Offer to babysit siblings / Offer to pass on information to other family members.
• Cook meals for the family & help out with housework.
• Drive parents to the hospital. Parking can often be hard to find and / or expensive.
• Offer to keep parents company while they visit baby, or meet them for a meal.

Dont’s

• Avoid comparing – This may only serve to maximize a parent’s grief.
• Do not intrude / pry and avoid giving parenting advice.
• Avoid abandoning parents – Stay in touch, knowing you are thinking of them helps.
• Avoid talking about setbacks that may happen or challenges that baby may face.
• Do not expect the parents to attend family gatherings.
• Do not visit when sick.

Don’t Say to a Parent

• “Didn’t you know something was wrong”?
• “At least you get a full night’s sleep while the baby is in hospital”
• “At least you didn’t get really big and uncomfortable”
• “He / she must be in so much pain / will they be normal when they get bigger”?
• “When can I hold the baby”?
• “It must be hard to watch someone else take care of your baby”
• “How do you leave him/her there every night”?

You cannot make their baby better or take away their pain. All you can do is be supportive and understanding

Mother's Day

I felt so privileged that I am a mother and could celebrate Mother's Day in 2013! This is my first mothers day. I think all mothers should be pampered and celebrated as mom's are awesome!

I woke up really early that morning and walked very slowly to NICU to see Samantha. The nurses wished me "Happy Mother's Day" and handed me a card. The people in NICU are really supportive and nice. I am so lucky that I am in Australia and people do care about your wellbeing and show compassion towards you.

A doctor came and talked to me. He said they would arrange a "chat" later in the morning when hubby comes in. I instantly knew something was not right, and felt insecure. 

A consultant, and baby doctors and nurse were in the consultation room with us. She broke the news saying that it was hard to stabilise my precious samantha the night before. There were many times they had to rescue her. Many doctors and nurses had to give her attention. It was critical.

My heart sank. I didn't want to hear that. She said that we have to prepare for the worse, that she may not make it if her condition deteriorate. I know the prognosis is not good for babies like this. I usually cry privately, but then at that moment, I couldn't hold in my tears at all. I kept crying as I was helpless, there was fear, I may lose my precious girl.

Hubby was really steady and calm, he's one tough nut. He told them that he wants more time for Samantha and hoped that the doctors will give her that. It's so that it gives her a chance to fight the battle. The doctors agreed and said that they will do everything they can to support her.

They brought out the high frequency oscillator ventilator for Sammie. This was what they call maximum support, there will be no other equipment more powerful than this, so if she didn't respond well to this, there was nothing much they could do.

After that, i wiped my tears and they left me and hubby alone to talk. Hubby said he believed in Sammie and it was still early days and anything could happen. We need to have faith.  I agreed and we went back to see her and I prayed very hard by her cot side. I chanted to Buddha Lian Shen to protect her and for her to be free of suffering and pain.

I canceled all hospital visits from friends and colleagues that day. I needed time for myself. I need to get back up and rebuild my faith and be strong. I needed to take care of myself first. I do not owe an explanation or justification to anyone in this world. I do not have to seek approval of others and compromise my needs. I need to exercise self care that day and give more love to myself, be in tune with my inner self so that my mind was clear. I do not have to respond to difficult questions...

On mothers day, I cried and wailed and prayed very very hard.  I have asked Mandy how to pray to Living Buddha Lian Shen for Sammie. She then called me and gave me words of encouragement and said then she dreamt of me and baby last thursday and i was passing a smiling baby to her. I felt really good hearing that, that someone else believed in her, my baby. I felt better.

I chose. I can still choose to be the positive and strong mom at this situation. I want to give my Sammie all the positive energy I have got and leave the rest to God, Buddha, Angels, Mother Mary and Kuan Yin. I know if i prayed hard enough and if I believed in her and have heart to heart chats, mother and daughter chats, she may receive those messages.

I chose to believe in her. That was a turning point. I asked everyone i know to pray for her. I reached out to babycenter forum moms and melbourne moms facebook group. They all prayed for us, and thought of us. I gain some comfort in that I am not alone. Never alone in this. I have got my hubby, my parents, my parents in law, my family, my friends to back me up if I do fall. 

I welcome all the support I can get and I can seek help when I need it. I deserve to be happy and healthy.  I want and deserve this child and I would love her unconditionally and I would accept her for whoever she is and let her be herself. I welcome her into my family, she will be loved, appreciated and treasured.

Dear Precious Samantha,

You are the world's greatest gift to me. You are healthy and happy. You are pure loving light and you have a beautiful soul. You inspire us as parents as we could see your fighting spirit even when you are in my womb. All is well in our world. You are loved unconditionally forever. Thank you for being my child. Mummy is so lucky.

Love, 

Mummy.

The day after.. 

11th May 2013, Saturday

The first day of the surgery, I had to be bedridden, so I focused on expressing my colostrum. I couldn't really sleep because I was still digesting it all and coming to terms that I was already a MOM!

So, the day after the surgery, I had to get out of bed. And it was the most painful experience. I was warned and luckily i asked, as if you do not try to move around due to the pain, recovery would be harder. I felt that my insides were tearing and the intense pain was very sharp when i was walking. However, I persevered, knowing it's all going to get better. The pain is just temporary.

It was the day I could see my precious lil girl Sammie, after being separated from her for a day. I was really excited and I couldn't wait! Hubby took me on a wheelchair to see her at NICU. To tell you the truth, although i was wanted to see her so much, I was really drowsy from all the pain relief I was taking. Doctors told me that the best thing to do for myself is to keep up with the pain relief so that I could moving around, avoiding any risk of blood clots.

I was so tired and sleepy, yet excited. When I got to her cot area, I was impressed with the facilities and the space. Dr Alicia came and speak to me immediately as it was the first time I was there. The best part of NICU is that they keep you up to date about your baby's progress and there are lots of honest communication. However, I nearly doze off while speaking to her, my eyelids heavy and I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying.

My heart hurts when I saw her. I apologised to her that she has to suffer when she entered into this world. There must be something to learn here. She is really having intensive care, the number of lines going through, the equipments they used. It was really not a pretty sight. Hubby and I made a decision that we are keeping her photos very private for the moment until we are ready. This is an act of self care, as we just don't want to answer all those difficult questions or hear words from people that may hurt you, although they don't mean to. We need to protect our sensitivity to keep us going and focus on her and what really matters.

She opened her right eye when i was there. Hubby was so excited and said that she can feel my presence! This was the first time she did that. A milestone. One of the many beautiful ones. it must be the connection, mother and daughter.  I was really tired, so I didn't stay long, all i wanted to do was to sleep. I do not want her to see me like this, I want to be full of energy, positive and strong whenever I am around her. I believe that your energy would influence your surroundings.

I went back to my room, hubby left to do house chores and cook dinner, that was when I broke down in tears. Probably it was hormonal? But i know after a good cry, I will get back up and be stronger than before. I got to be gentle to myself, love myself and acknowledge the emotions. I know that I do not want to fall into post natal depression and I make all efforts to prevent that.

Hwei san and boon hoe came with flowers and balloons. Though i was sleepy it was nice to see familar faces. I felt comfortable and happy. She gave me a book called nurture and I love it!

I started opening my heart and seek comfort in friends. Especially Su Ying. I just felt comfortable when I chat with her as she did not pressure me with questions and was patient. I know that in this world, you are meant to walk it with many people and you would attract people who mirrors you. She constantly ask if I needed anything and I was able to open up slowly to her. I requested for some beads from the temple as I wanted to put by Sammie's cot side and she went to get a purple one for me which signifies good health. I meditated with loving kindness and leave it close to Samantha.

Linda, Ruth and Su came for a quick visit that night and I feel so blessed to have them as friends. They brought me food, books, flowers, and the beads. That night, i decided that it was nice having people visit me, it just felt great. So I was open to have people visit me on Sunday, Mothers day.

Faith

"Faith means living with uncertainty - feeling your way through life, letting your heart guide you like a lantern in the dark." 

- Dan Millman 

My Birth Story

10th of May 2013. That was the date where i experienced the love and bliss of a new mother. The feeling was indescribable and it was really powerful.

I had the most sleep that night before, because of the comfort I was feeling on my belly. I could not feel any pressure or pain at all. I could feel tiny movements of baby Sammie but there weren't as strong as before. I dare not even think what does that mean. I woke up early to meditate and pray for that day. I needed all the inner strength for that day.

It was also the morning where tears just fall from my eyes, I couldn't control it. They just flow just like that and I allow them to.

At 7.30am, we went for a second scan with Dr Ricardo. He wanted to give us his opinion about what was going to happen. He looked at my wounds and offered to changed the strips, he told the nurse to get scissors whereby he could cut the strips to the right size. He told the nurse that if you want to do something, you got to do it right. Wow, I was impressed. It was those little things that make a difference.

When he saw baby, he confirmed that shunt didn't work and that my fluid around baby is decreasing at an alarming rate. It just means that baby has been taking in all the fluid but not urinating them. There was no recycling of fluid and if we do not deliver baby as soon as possible, she might not survive. Her kidneys were shutting down. However, I choose to concentrate that her heart rate is still very strong. She's a true fighter given her condition.

I was sad, truly sad, i had a little hope that morning, the shunt would magically unblock itself and everything will be well. However, I knew I had to accept the reality of it not working and look forward with faith.

Dr Ricardo said that if this baby survives, she would be a miracle. I had mixed feelings when I heard it. What are the chances I may have a still birth, or that the paediatricians could not save her after she's born? Will she be able to breathe or cry? How would she look like?

He said we should prepared to see a baby which is really swollen and that it is not a pretty sight.

His opinion was to deliver the baby and let the paediatricians save her and it would be her willpower to live.

The paediatrician, Dr Lisa Fox came and visit me the day before and talked to me. Hubby wasn't there. She asked me what I know about hydrothorax and what I know to expect. I told her what I knew. She told me that there are many uncertainties and she can't promise that baby will survive as it really depends on the situation and her condition. As we haven't find out the cause of this condition, it's hard to tell how serious it was. She said that it could be days or months that she would need to be in NICU, neonatal intensive care unit. I told her it's ok, and thank god I live close by. I joked and she said I view life as a glass half full. She also mentioned that there is a chance that I may not be able to feed her with my breast milk due to her condition as it may cause an accumulation of fluid in her chest based on her experience. I received all this information before the surgery and I feel very lucky that I am getting all this support I need and fully accept the reality and go with it, ride the waves.

I know that they have the experience to deal with hydrothorax/hydropic baby and I learnt to really appreciate and focus on the positive of that.

After the scan, Dr Ricardo attended a roundtable meeting with the rest of the doctors, including Dr Nicole, Dr Carin Black and Dr Emily (the obstetricians that will be performing the C-Section) and the rest of the Fetal management unit red team. They decided that the best thing to do was to go with the surgery.

Dr Emily came to the ward and broke the news to us and that they could do it in the next hour! At that time, I didn't feel scared, no fear, it was weird, I found a sense of peace, like I knew everything will be alright no matter what was the outcome because we have tried our best. I choose to not resist but go with it.

I think God wouldn't give us a challenge that we couldn't handle. There must be something I could learn from this experience. He must have other plans for me, to have Sammie enter into this world to celebrate Mother's Day with me. I believe that we have done everything we could to save her and we have made all the right decisions, there were no regrets. I gave her the increased chance of survival. Anything that happens after this, I leave it to the God, Angels, Buddha, Mother Mary, Kuan Yin, just the higher self that I have knowledge of.

I changed into a gown, and was driven to the holding bay for surgery. I told myself that I am going to meditate throughout the whole surgery and remain calm, positive and hopeful. She is already a gift and miracle to me. I told myself that I am in good hands and the surgery will go well. Caesarean section comes with its list of risk as well as it is a major abdominal surgery. The worse case would be losing my uterus. Why do doctors have to tell you all the risks, it creates so much fear! I decided to not think too much and focus on being positive. I admit that the surgery was not the my preferred choice of birth experience. I had even booked in for a calm birth class on the 12th and 18th of May, thinking that I would love to empower myself to give birth drug free and calmly. This was another thing that I had to let go of my wants and do what's best in that situation. All I wanted was to ensure that Samantha was safe.

They say "Mothers lay down life to bring forth life". How true isn't it?

At the holding bay, they did whatever necessary to prepare me for the surgery. Hubby changed into a gown as well as he will be there with me. I was then took into the theatre and given a spinal block for pain relief. The aesthetician voice was comforting and reassuring, they told me I was doing well in remaining still. One of them held my hand tightly as hubby wasn't allowed in when they did that.

They tested if the pain relief was working with ice, I can't feel any sensations from my rib cage down to my toes. My hands were shaking, it was uncontrollable, although I tried to control it but it just violently shake due to the pain relief. The aesthetician comforted me and told me that it was normal.

I closed my eyes and started with my visualisation and meditation. I just imagined myself being healed and my baby being saved and happy and healthy. The more I visualise, my heart rate settles down, my muscles relaxed, I felt the strength, calmness and peace. I was tuned in to my inner self and taken to a safe place.

Dr Emily and Dr Carin started on the surgery. Hubby came in and held my hand and kissed me and said many reassuring words. We couldn't see anything because it was blocked by a cloth. I couldn't feel any pain, just movements, I keep telling myself, I trust these doctors. Hubby sang to me, our song, Endless love. It was romantic, I am so blessed to have him as my husband, my pillar of strength.

At 10.26am, Samantha Seow came into the world in a fashionable way. Dr Carin held her up and everyone told me to look up, I opened my eyes and immediately fell in love. It was only 30 seconds, but it was special, I could feel the connection. Hubby was in tears by then. I was feeling sleepy and all I wanted to do was to keep praying and keep visualising healing light radiating from my heart to Samantha's, hoping that my energy will protect her. I didn't want to be helpless, I just want to send all the positive thoughts I have inside to her to help her. They told me she's doing well and 7 baby doctors were saving her. Before I know it, they told me the good news, she's safe, they have managed to keep her alive.

Dr Lisa Fox, the main doctor who saved Sammie walked over and told me everything was successful and she responded well.

Thank you. That's the first thing that came to my mind. My prayers were finally being answered. Probably I had meant to see Samantha early. Hubby went to take pictures with her and followed baby up to NICU while I was brought to recovery bay for monitoring. They gave me constant painkillers and took me to Level 4 and gave me a private room within the Royal Women's hospital. I feel blessed as I know I would want some privacy given what I would be going through in the days to come. The midwives made me comfortable and taught me how to express my colostrum and collect it with a syringe.

Hubby told me later on that the doctors actually took a lot effort to stabilise her at her incubator at NICU. They were all sweating and I am so blessed to have all these doctors and nurses and medical research and facilities ready for us. I thanked the government for providing the funding for research and to the hospital. As a public patient, I was covered and didn't require to pay a thing.

My birth was calm. Although a lot of things were out of my control, I still think I was able to choose to have faith and be calm throughout. I am very proud of myself, I know i deserve the good and I can manifest anything if I sincerely and truly want it.

Hubby came back with fresh chicken essence and red dates tea and told me not to drink water. I am extremely grateful for him. He really took charge and took care of me, he became a great provider. He wanted the best for me, for me to recover well. For any chinese women, after birth, you have an opportunity to reset your health, be renewed as a new women if you do take care and eat well, take all the necessary herbs for recovery. I know he will become the best father for Samantha.

I know that my journey as a mom from now on would not be an easy one and I know I can seek help as much as I can and be strong for my lil precious daughter. I know I can do it. She's sick and although it hurts my heart to see her that way, I am very proud of her for wanting to live. I found my strength that I never knew I had and i think that's love, mother's love for a child, to protect her, nurture and keep her safe. I found a deeper sense of respect to all mothers and especially my own mom.

I AM A MOM! it feels great. I am happy. Thank you. She's my miracle and all is well in our world.

There can be miracles when you believe. :-)

This article was sent to my email in the perfect time, space sequence which truly explains what I feel.

Don't interrupt a miracle in progress: Article by Mastin, Daily Love, 18th May 2013 Rise above and choose love:

The beautiful thing about the human mind is that each one of us has an opportunity to train our minds like a champion. We can CHOOSE to align our thoughts with thoughts of Love, Peace, Compassion, Non-Judgment, etc. Or we can CHOOSE to align our thoughts with fear, lack, separation and the like. When we choose to align our thoughts and actions with Love, we tap into a wisdom much greater than our mind can comprehend.

All of us were born out of a Loving and Connected Uni-verse. We were birthed from an intelligence that we cannot understand, yet we feel intuitively. When we surrender our will and understanding to that subtle voice within, we sign up for an AWESOME and EPIC adventure. We won't know what's going to happen next, but we know that we will always be taken care of.

The first thing that usually happens when we surrender is that the shit literally hits the fan. Time and time again, whether we are consciously or unconsciously walking on The Path, the shit will hit the fan. Our limited perspective from our minds will want to see moments like this as bad, negative and horrible. It's only natural. When something tragic, unplanned or painful happens, it makes total sense to see that event as a negative. BUT - because we have NO idea what is going to happen in the next moment or in the next year as a result of these seeming disasters, we cannot, if we are tapped into Love, label them as bad, negative or disasters.

The mind that is aligned with Love simply observes these circumstances and chooses not to label them. We feel the feelings that come with each circumstance, but we do not let them define us or keep us stuck in a rut. We let the feelings come and go like a gust of wind - unattached and aware.

Because we do not know what is going to happen next, if we choose to prevent or resist the present moment, we may actually be interrupting and stopping a miracle in progress.

EVERY time something has gone to shit in my life, it's turned out even better. This is because I choose to see every seeming disaster as Grace and then take empowered action from that place of thinking.

Consider that when things are falling apart in your life that it is actually Grace and celebrate the end of a chapter in your life and ride the wave so you can be reborn, smarter, wiser and with even more Love and Understanding in your heart.

Choose to see even THIS MOMENT as a miracle in progress, and then get out of your own way.