Letter to my angel Sammie

I have heard that there are many benefits of writing a letter to a loved one who has passed on. It helps with the grieving or healing process.  Here's mine...

My dearest Sammie,

Thank you for sending me those signs everyday. Especially when I am feeling just a bit lost and empty, I would see a butterfly image somewhere around the house, like in a random magazine last week. Or when I am out, I would see butterflies of all shapes and colours fluttering around with joy.

I miss you very much. I love you so much. It has been almost one month and I miss you so much and loved to cuddle you. The month has passed so quickly and I think I have been occupying myself with things to do, classes to take to distract myself from feeling. I know how wrong it is! I have been focusing so much on what I am going to do to fill up the time that I have and have been coming up with lists and lists of things to do. Now, I am a nervous wreck thinking too much about the future. Oh GOSH, I know! I know you are going to tell me to relax and just be in the moment. What a difficult task!

Sometimes, I feel like all of this is just unfair. Why would something like this happen to you, you are just so adorable and beautiful. Why I couldn't take you home or spend more time with you? Why loving you breaks my heart? You have done nothing wrong to harm anyone and why would you have to go through so much? Where is God?

Losing you makes me feel like a part of me has died and I am forever a changed person. I know I haven't been expressing my feelings as much as I want to. Some of these emotions are stuck, I can feel it in my belly, all that anxiety, anger and grief are still stuck there, needing to be shifted. I guess I gotta just let it be and trust that healing is taking place. Sammie, would you help mummy and guide me on my journey to peace and happiness?

I guess Thank goodness I am aware of it. That's the first step isn't it, my lil Sammie. I guess, after one month, both daddy and mummy are doing not too bad. We are still doing things, we cry but also laugh, we appreciate one another so much, knowing how fragile and precious life is. We talk about you openly and we try our best to express our feelings to each other. This is all new but I guess change is the only thing constant in the human life.

Guess what, we are even drinking green smoothies! Yay to us.

Love you Sammie.

Mummy.

Grieve

Some days I feel light and free, enjoying this change trusting that this is an opportunity for myself to do things differently in my life. Some days, I find myself crying early in the morning, feeling low, full of grief, missing my precious little Sammie. Especially on that last day of my Bali retreat. I am allowing myself to feel the emotions as they arise as I know how important it is to honour them, to give them importance as overtime my heart will heal. Each day I take it as it is, letting go and just showing up and doing things that I love.

I have a plan for my grieving. Yeah, sounds odd. But I think I like to take responsibility or take charge over my life. I have thought of doing a self care/grieve rescue box where I can just go to during moments when I need the extra love or when that wave of grief uninvitingly hit you hard in your heart. I am reading books on grief and loss as reading another person's story somehow brings comfort to me and knowing how they cope gives me inspiration and hope.

One of my top things to do as part of my grieving process is to not walk away from looking at her pictures or avoiding it, which is something I tend to do in the past. I decide to face it straight on. Boy, it was just so tough. The first day of sorting and compiling and editing her pictures, I was in tears for hours. The second day got easier and now I am almost done with her photobook and I am feeling that great sense of accomplishment! Go Sue!You can do this!

I decided to commit myself to a 365 day gratitude and thank you project. I am exciteddd! I have signed up for cake decorating class in Greensborough and I am all set for my first day of photography course this coming Saturday. Life is just too short to not follow my heart. Life can be quite good if we change our perspective.

love to all...

Change

I know positive changes are happening. Sammie’s presence, signs and presence are divine and perfect. She was connected to the number “5”, she was born on the 10.05.2013, she left us on the 15.10.2013, her room was 545, she was at level 5 of the butterfly ward, she left us gracefully at what I believe to be around 5 plus in the afternoon. She was here on earth for 5 months. The angelic meaning of “5” is change and always for the better. Butterflies are a sign of change and transformation. Yes, my lil sammie, I get you, I know what you want for me, for all of us.

I guess it's normal to resist change. Steven Pressfield, author of the book "The war of Art" says 

"Resistance is a negative force that arises whenever we try to move from a lower level to a higher level”

“Never forget: This very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny. This second we can turn the tables on Resistance."

I am trying to turn the tables on resistance right now. I miss Sammie especially when I am expressing milk, early in the mornings. Now, I only express milk 3-4 times a day as I prefer to do the natural suppression of breast milk rather than to take medication to stop the supply. Although I feel connected to her and feel her presence everyday, I cannot lie that I do miss her physical presence. I allow that as this is just a phase, a process, a journey for healing. By uncovering one layer of resistance, I can open a door. Change is one of the great truths of life. I am going to be gentle and kind to myself. J

My routine everyday used to be waking up at 7am everyday to express milk, then I will prepare breakfast whilst spin a few batches of milk using my own centrifuge. Then I would sterilise the bottles and pumps parts, wash the dishes, pop the separated milk into the fridge for the fat to solidify. After that, I would drive to the hospital for my first visit in time for the morning doctor's round. Depending on the day, some mornings, I get to do some physical therapy or OT with her. :-) Usually I would spend 2 hours with her and then drive home for lunch. I would then tediously extract the skim portion of the milk out of 15ml centrifuge tubes, there are 6 tubes a batch and I normally make 6-7 batches a day. When I was extracting, that's when I would have my moment of silence, I would just concentrate and focus on drawing this liquid gold using a capillary tube, a needle and a 20 ml syringe. After that, I would package and label to deliver fresh to the hospital. Since the process was so repetitive, I took that chance to practice my Kundulini Yoga breaths..I just try to be in the moment, it felt like I was meditating. I found a way to see this as a blessing rather than complain or resent towards it.

Then I would watch the 12pm Ellen Degeneres show at Channel 9, just to get my daily dose of jokes and laughter. I found that it is just so important to laugh each day, no matter what "sh*t" you are going through. It's just so good for the soul....hehe..

I would then wash the centrifuge tubes, sterilise them and dry them for the next day. By 2-3pm, I would walk to the hospital. I lovee my walks. Really loook forward to it. There were just so many things to see on the way there, I visited the ducks at the pond, watched them do their thing, I love saying hi to all the beautiful flowers, all different kinds, so unique in it's own way. Walking was sacred for me, it was the time I could just enjoy nature at its best. 

When I reached the hospital, I would be so refreshed and joyful, and that's how I like Sammie to greet me with. A positive, happy mummy. I would play with her, express milk, talk to her, give her a bath/wash and a massage, have long cuddles and then wait for Daddy to come at around 6pm. The evening doctor's round is always around 5- 5.30pm. Everyday is slightly different, what i described earlier was a very good day. Some days, the only thing i could do was just to talk to her or just sit by her side and read her a book, no cuddles or wash as it was too difficult with the tubes and drains,

Although it sounds hectic, I insist in going for my post-natal pilates every Wednesday and my Thursdays and Saturdays 9am Kundulini Yoga. Self care and self love is important for me as in order for me give to others, in my case Sammie and hubby, I got to love and take care of myself first.

Yes, I do miss going back to the hospital. The children's hospital is really amazing. I am very impressed. The vibrant colours, the cute children drawings, the good vibes, the occasional performances and events by volunteers made a difference to my experience. I miss seeing the nurses, doctors, social workers, care managers, OT therapists, pastoral care worker and even the cleaners! They are just awesome people. I miss going to the lollies aisle at Woolworths to choose the selection of chocolates and lollies to bring for the week. I loveeeee seeing the joy in their faces when they come in to Sammie's room to say hi to us and get a treat. They work really really hard and I believe they deserve all the goodness in the world. I found that I am happier when I give and we just did that, we gave as much as we could. It's quite easy to make another person happy.

Although I miss all that, I am thankful for the peace I feel everyday since my last goodbye on Saturday. It's all ok. I know that this is a process and one day I will be at that higher level and all resistance will dissolve. There is so much love and peace and nothing is really lost. Or possibly I have gained more than what I have lost. Who knows?

We watched the movie "About Time" yesterday and I loveeee Rachel McAdams. I just loveee the movieee, I cried, what a release! haha...I like movies that are so heartfelt, that you can give your eyelids a good wash, haha. The movie tells us that it's better to live each day once, as if it was the last, and to just enjoy our life. How true!

Death is not the biggest fear we have;

Our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive-

The risk to be alive and express what we really are-

Don Miguel Ruiz.

Thank you Heartfelt foundation!

I love photos, I think I may have a passion for photography. As photos are able to capture the moments,  awesome details, the memories, they are just so important to me.

I always dreamt of having a professional photoshoot for our family and thanks to heartfelt, they made it happen for us. Thank you for giving us the gift of photographic memories of our last final hours with baby Sammie! :-)

Birdy - Wings (Official Video), loving this song, :-)

Saying goodbye to my precious Sammie

Life is a gift. Only when we lose something, only we see the value of it.  Thus, i feel that it is so important to be grateful as being thankful and grateful, I can see the beauty and the goodness I have at every moment.

I am grateful that I am able to say goodbye to Sammie peacefully. On the 13th of October, which is my grandma's bday, my baby's heart stopped. Hubby was there when it happened. My heart sank so low when I heard the loud emergency alarm, I somehow know that it was from Sammie's room. A whole team of amazing doctors and nurses ran toward her and managed to resuscitate her and bring her back to life. They were just so professional, organised and they knew what they were doing. We were told that although we have managed to save her, her downtime was 5 minutes and her kidneys were not working already. If she didn't wee, she might not make it through the night.

Guess what, she did wee and poo-ed even! I remembered she opened her eyes,  moved her eyes, licked her tongue the very next day trying to tell us that she's ok. She is just so amazing.

On the 15th of October, when the doctor told us the results of the MRI of her brain, I knew that Sammie had chosen and it was time to let her go. We cried hard, when he said it out loud. It was just painful to accept this fact as I love her so much but I knew that this was coming. We decided to stop treatment as a team as it's the best for her. I felt that sense of peace that I didn't make the decision for her, she chose and I respect and honour that.

Compassion. That's what we received throughout the 5 months. I never fully understood the word until that day. We wanted to take her out to the gardens and the wonderful team at the RCH made that happen for us. Our social worker organised everything for us and our primary doctor and nurse stayed with us throughout the whole afternoon. We had professional photography done, we cleaned and bathed her, we cuddled her for very long at the garden, sang to her and said our last words. It was just perfect.

Final Goodbye:
19th October, 10am at the sunken garden, Queens Park

It was a day of tears of sadness and as well as peace. It was a day to remember and acknowledge her life and our celebrant managed to do that so well. It was the day I know that from now on, I can always choose love than fear. It was the a day we received so many kind and comforting words, hugs and support. I still have faith that joy will come. Joy is everywhere if we look hard enough.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming to be there for us. You know who you are. We are just very lucky and deeply touched to get all the support. I will let the pictures tell the story.

Sharing the verse by Jim Howard:-

Where I have gone I am not so small.

My soul is as wide as the world is tall.

I have gone to answer this call,

The call of the one who takes care of us all.

Wherever you look, you will find me there,

In the heart of a rose, in the heart of a prayer.

On butterflies' wings, on wings of my own,

To you, I'm gone, but I'm never alone.

I'm over the moon, and I am home.

Love to all, peace to all, let the heart lead the way.

Kutless - What Faith Can Do (Official Music Video)

Sharing my speech/eulogy at Sammie's beautiful memorial service

I just thought i should share this for all my friends and family all over the world whose life has been touched my our lil sammie...

Thank you everyone for coming today. It means a lot to us that you are here to support us during this vulnerable time. There is a quote by Brene Brown which I love and I would like to share:

“ Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy- it is the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness, will we discover the infinite power of our light”

(Thank you Julie from little waves support group for sharing this quote with me)

My Dearest precious Sammie,

Thank you for choosing me to be your mummy. I am just so blessed to have you in my life. I will never forget the day when you were born, 10^th May 2013. Although I didn’t hear a cry from you, when I laid my eyes on you, even just for that 2 minutes as the baby doctors needed to work on you, I fell in love with you immediately. I felt this sense love, unexplainable bliss and warmth enveloping my body and I knew I had to do my best to nurture and protect and love you unconditionally. When Lisa, our baby doctor at the Royal Women’s hospital told me that she had managed to drain the fluid out of your chest and that you were responding well, I was just so relieved and thankful. I was told before the birth that if you survived the birth, it’s a miracle. Thank you for giving me that miracle.

You are amazing, Sammie. I believe you came 7 weeks early into this world to celebrate mother’s day! Everyone said you were very swollen, but I thought you were very cute and chubby! It was such a bittersweet mother’s day as I was told by the doctors that you were requiring maximum support at the Neonatal Incentive Unit and if you didn’t wee, we should prepare for the worse as there is a low chance that you will survive the night. They brought out the big, scary high frequency oscillator ventilator and then you seem to respond well.  You are just such a drama queen, my lil baby. Day after day, you slowly improve, you did a wee, a poo, and you listened to me to fight on and give your best. You are such a fighter.

I love you Sammie, for showing me the power of love, for teaching me about faith, hope and miracles. You thought me to appreciate every moment and to be present. You taught me to be very very patient. I had my first kangaroo cuddle at Day 24 and it was just so magical. You were perfect, the breathing tubes, IV lines, chest drain tubes didn’t matter to me. I heard your first soft cry at Day 80, slightly over 2 months when you were extubated to CPAP. And You even breathed on your own after 4.5 months. I knew that when there is hope, there is faith, where there is faith, miracles can occur.

On the 31^st of August, we started on the centrifuged breast milk trial after countless failed attempts with the monogen formula milk. I knew that I cannot give up on you just yet. Mummy is just so lucky to have found the little waves Facebook support group whereby I got to know an American mom from Florida, Ginger who told me that she believed centrifuged breast milk healed her baby.   It took a lot of courage to present the articles about it to your doctors and request for it to be an option for you as this has not been done in Australia at all. It was tedious, expressing for 4 months with faith to maintain my breast milk supply but I had faith in you. I was just so happy when I could finally feed you with my breast milk after 4 months!!!  I didn’t mind spending 6-7 times expressing milk using a breast milk a day and spending 2 hours a day to spin the milk using a centrifuge to make fat free breast milk. I just wanted you to get the best thing ever! I felt so happy that I could have a way to provide to you. I am glad you loved it as you went up to full feeds on it. I hope you felt loved and yes, you deserve the best. I think how great are you to leave such a legacy as this is going to help other babies in the future.

Sammie, Although there were lots of tears of sadness and grief, especially when you weren’t doing so well, I found a way to find the joy and see the gift in this situation. You were such a blessing to me and I love spending my time with you. I always look forward to cuddle times, nappy changes and wash/bath times. I just love to kiss you, read to you and sing to you. Thank you for giving me a chance to do all that over the past 5 months.

Your passing is such a shock to us as you left us at what I believe to be your best condition. I know you were listening at the doctors’ round last friday, this is really not part of the plan. I guess God has better plans for you. I believed that you chose to leave with style, at your best, looking your best. You gave me such a fright on the 13^th of October, when your heart stopped. I thank my lucky stars that our primary Doctor, Anastasia was on duty during the weekend as she rescued you so that mummy and daddy can have extra 2 days with you. Could you have planned this all along? Sammie, don’t you think Anastasia is such an awesome, amazing, kind and smart doctor? We all just adore her. You left us on the 15^th so peacefully and gracefully and it was just perfect, we could bathe you, do footprints and handprints and talk to you, sing to you before you took your last breathe.

Dearest Sammie, I saw you the next day after you passed on as a butterfly. A yellow butterfly fluttered really quickly passed me at the underground carpark of the Children’s hospital, Daddy was carrying your ducky swing chair and we were just talking about you. Thank you for that. I asked you to give me a sign that you are ok and happy and you did. The butterfly ward was your home for many months and it was just perfect to see you as a butterfly. I just felt so much peace and it did make me smile. Sammie, I have promised you and your daddy that I will take care of myself, I will be strong for you. I will never give up finding way to be happy. You have shown me courage and strength and you will always be my inspiration.

You were here on earth for a moment but left with a lifetime of love.  I am forever grateful for that. I love you forever.

Loving you always my precious baby girl..

(10.05.13-15.10.13)

I love her unconditionally. She will always be my precious little angel who had taught me so much about love and life. With that, I truly thank her for choosing me to be her mummy. I wouldn't want to have it any other way. Everything is just perfect the way it is. 

Mummy loves you, Daddy loves you, baby sammie, sammie sammie...

3 Months later..Day 154

After numerous times of heel pricks for blood test, ultrasounds, MRI scans, CT scans, countless times of chest x-ray, ,  Nil by mouth, 7 trials on monogen feeds which failed, intubation of breathing tube and extubation, going on CPAP and off CPAP and back on CPAP and off again. Going on high flow and off High low to low flow of 0.5 litres and on air and back to high low.  Having high doses of sedation, morphine or fentanyl..

Countless times of suspected infection, blood cultures, lumbar puncture..

Broviac line surgery, a couple of long lines and being IV line free..

3-4 times of chest drains..

being swollen and not swollen...

Tears of joy and bliss, tears of sadness, loss and grief....

My new life as a mom is just no doubt a huge roller-coaster ride.

The thing i learnt is that I gotta celebrate the ups and also the downs. Although it's just scary to celebrate the good times because I don't know when is the next down, it could be mins, hours or days away, I learnt to trust, trust that although it may seem traumatising sometimes, the joy will come. Without the bad times, you can't appreciate the good times. They go hand in hand, we need the opposites and the relativity.

Another thing I learnt is that it's ok to be vulnerable.It's painful to see your baby go through all these procedures. It's normal to feel this pain. I found out that initially you will numb this pain to survive in this situation. Now, i realise that it is ok to express those raw, negative feelings. Expressing it and allowing it to pass, i can let go of that emotion and move on.

Joy is when I watch Sammie sleep, occasionally sneaking in a smile which never fails to warm my heart. Joy is when she drinks my centrifuged breast milk using a NG tube. Joy is when I get to cuddle her, hold her close to my heart and just be in the moment with her. Joy is when i hear her first cry after she was extubated from her breathing tube at 2 months. Joy is when I watch her cry. Joy is when she first wore clothing. There are just too many good times.

Sammie has come a long way, graduated from Intensive care unit to special care nursery! She was breathing on her own for 2 whole weeks before she had consistent fevers and we didn't want to push her too much by giving her low flow of oxygen of 0.25 litres.

Having my baby in NICU for months is not normal, not any bit normal. It's good having a husband who is tough, who make things a bit more normal for me by keeping up with our routine of cooking yummy dinners. So many times when I feel insecure, afraid about what's going to happen to Sammie, he will reassure me. I am lucky to have him.

I am very grateful for kindness and support i get. You know who you are.

I have faith and let go and allow things to unfold, be it good or bad, and I believe that's when we can see the wonderful miracles of life...

It's ok to be vulnerable

“What shames us, what we most fear to tell, does not set us apart from others; it binds us together if only we can take the risk to speak it.” – Starhawk.


The left chest drain is back. The doctors had to perform an emergency surgery to insert the tube into her left chest to drain out air, this time the problem is air and not much the fluid. When I found out about this when I took my parents to visit Sammie, I was vulnerable. Fear based thoughts flow into my mind. I was scared, sad and in pain myself. When I saw her, my heart aches so badly thinking of what she has to go through. I am so sorry, my precious little one. 

Fear is not love. I knew that I had to love myself more to overcome this as I felt hurt. I need the space to work through these emotions. I just need some time to really take care of myself emotionally. I know I can do it, I can be strong again for her.

I am very grateful that she's alive and giving her all to be with us. I welcome her with an open heart and  heaps of unconditional love. I love her very much.


Positive affirmation for the day: I give my body and mind permission to feel however they want to feel. I don’t try to manipulate or alter my feelings. They are what they are.

Dearest Sammie...

Mummy was so excited to see you yesterday. You opened your eyes when we came, as though knowing that we were there by your side. You are such a strong baby, so resilient and so inspiring. There are so much that you have taught Mummy since you were born 2 weeks ago. You showed your authentic self the whole time, expressing how you feel all the time without holding back and never giving up. Mummy is so proud of you.

After expressing milk by your side, I saw you in distress. It could be because of the secretions as a result of a huge breathing tube down your throat or it could be because you are uncomfortable and in pain. Mummy saw you trying to pull out those tubes. I know you don't want them, it's probably annoying for you, but please listen to mummy, and the doctors, the better you get, the less tubes you have. Remember that.

You know the feeling of your heart being pierced sharply by thousands of knives? That's how I felt at that moment, Sam. I wish I could take the pain, discomfort from you for myself. All I want is for you to be happy, healthy and safe. That simple, no other expectations. I know I have to be very strong for you as you are so strong yourself...As your auntie Lilin said, you are showing signs that you are more aware, recovering and thus more expressive with how you feel. We can see this in a positive way and believe that this is only temporary and the pain will pass.

Although mummy feel that way, I still believe in you and have heaps of faith that you are going to be healthy and happy and in mummy's arms one day.

Daddy visited you last night again and you held his hand and he told me that you looked happy and settled. He must have tempted you with the countless Mcdonalds that you can have and the holidays that he will take you along...hehe..

Thank you Sammie, for being my daughter...I love you very much.

Ps...Daddy found out yesterday that Mummy has been writing on this blog. He hasn't seen it yet and I know he doesn't like me to go into details. I kept it a lil secret because I knew I had to follow my heart and do whatever that makes me feel better. Having this allow me reaffirm things, refocus, and as well as keep me connected with friends and family that I care so much about. With this blog, I didn't have to repeat the whole story again and again and thus focusing on the drama of it so many times. There are better things to channel my energy to. However, I want people I care so much about to walk with me in this journey, to be in my life, and not block them out. I can trust my family and friends to keep it private and to respect what I have shared in here. Hope that Daddy's not too angry and is forgiving.


XOXO,
Mummy.

What Faith can do...

I wake up really early in the mornings. That's when I will express milk and I will have this urge to write on this blog. I am not sure why I do that, it just happens. Probably early mornings are peaceful and quiet and my thoughts just flow in and I know what to write for the day.

Yesterday, I did more meditation. I meditate willingly now, i do not have to make excuses for not doing it on a daily basis. Just like exercise is good for the physical body, meditation is sooo good for the mind.

I thank my lucky stars that I spend the past year learning it, attending free lunchtime buddhist meditations at the Uni and signing up for mindfulness courses. However, I found it hard to continue practising and overtime, it's becomes not part of my lifestyle. I am amazed about how Life works, how everything is divinely timed. I am so thankful that I am able to meditate and be open about it.

"Meditation is your free and portable healing agent whose only side effects are peace of mind and rejuvenation"

Hubby went to visit Sam last night and when the doctors did their rounds, they gave him an update. A significant update. The left chest drain has been removed!!!! WOOO HOOO! This is BIG for me. I never thought it would happen so soon, I had hope but I knew I have to be patient. Every cell in my body wants to scream "YAY". I am so proud of Sammie, for progressing in the right direction, for listening to mummy. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is what faith can do.

Today's affirmation:-

It's Possible.

I am here to open my heart even more, the Love inside me is stronger than the pain i feel. Love is worth being open.

I breathe in love and flow with life.

I allow and welcome good to flow into my life. I deserve it.  :-)

Today is the day I have been looking forward to, I will be visiting Sammie. Thinking of it makes me so excited and happy. I am so grateful for everything in my life now. I am thankful that I am able to visit her at NICU and spend some quality time with her. As I am only able to visit her every couple of days, I think I am going to appreciate every moment. :-)

All is well in my world.

Being patient

As Sammie is stable now, I now have to be patient with her, gentle and allow her to recover at her own pace. I believe in her, i let go and wait for the miracles to flow...

“Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Patience child, patience. Remember, life is a journey. If you got everything you wanted all at once there’d be no point to living. Enjoy the ride, and in the end you’ll see these “setbacks” as giant leaps forward, only you couldn’t see the bigger picture in the moment. Remain calm, all is within reach; all you have to do is show up every day, stay true to your path and you’ll surely find the treasure that you seek.” – Jackson Kiddard

And this is one from my Doreen Virtue book, Daily Guidance From Your Angels:

Take It Easy

“Sometimes you struggle and strain to achieve so much that you unwittingly block yourself. This is especially true when you want something so bad that you try over and over again to make it happen.

The universe responds to the fear imprinted into the energy of struggle. This underlying anxiety that maybe what you desire won’t materialise is mirrored back to you in the form of limitations, delays, and unsatisfactory manifestations.

That’s why surrendering brings about immediate results. When you deliver your wish to the universe, you also release the fears that previously blocked you. Letting go is a statement that says, “I know my wish is manifesting in the best possible way, even if I’m not certain exactly how it will happen.” This faith is akin to opening the front door and welcoming your desire into your home.

Take it easy today, and allow the universe to do the work of creating your dreams. Your job was done once you made the wish, so turn it over to God and enjoy the creative ways in which your prayers are answered.”

Day 11, Wednesday, 22nd May

Today is day 11 of Samantha's NICU stay. My precious lil daughter was more settled when hubby went to visit her yesterday. He sees her twice everyday to talk and sing to her. As I am in my confinement, I fully accept that I am going to see her every couple of days or alternate days, so that I can rest, recover and be physically, emotionally, mentally strong for her.

On saturday, I felt like I was in prison! Today, I decided to appreciate this opportunity as I am blessed with time for myself. I get to practise an act of self love, to recover from the intensity of everything for the past couple of weeks.  I realised that I always have a choice to change the way i think. I am going to view this as a little retreat whereby I am focusing on my body, mind and soul. I guess, if I don't love myself first, how do I love others? If mom's happy, baby's happy for sure. :-)

"The art of motherhood is to find the perfect balance between giving the best to your child and also keeping yourself happy"

I woke up at 5am this morning, having the longest continuous deep sleep so far! I am feeling good, well rested and very positive.

Hubby's been cooking a yummy variety of confinement food, all with consultation with his own mummy. I am so lucky to have him and my parents in law. I know my mom in law cares so much for me and bought all these herbs and taught hubby about confinement. She's in the baby business and thus, she has probably seen it all, knowing that this is important. For me, I just accept the love and go with it, appreciating all the efforts taken to prepare them.

I do miss baby on days when I am not visiting her. However, I always console myself that she's in the best place ever and she's having private special moments with daddy first.

I keep myself occupied with expressing milk every 2 hours. I feel happy doing this, and I don't understand why. I guess we don't need explanations or justifications for everything. I will be seeing the lactation nurse at NICU for some advice and also to check in if I am on track with the expressing. As long as I feel positive about this, I will continue with it.
I know the doctors warned me that there is a chance Samantha might not accept my breast milk very well or it could cause accumulation of fluid in her chest. I won't give up just like this. For me, anything can happen in future, at this present moment, this is what I want to do so that if she can drink my breast milk, I have the supply for her. Life has heaps of risks anyway, why not just take the leap of faith.

Today, hubby will be collecting our new car! I am just so excited and happy that things are slowly coming together and falling in place.

A malaysian midwife from the royal women's hospital who took care of me texted me last night saying that she has been praying for Samantha and been visiting her. She told me that when she saw her last, my lil Sammie opened her eyes. She must have felt the love from this midwife. She was the one who told me to visualise a whole, healthy and smiling baby and ignore all the tubes and scary equipment. She told me that she emailed her church friends to pray for us. I can't believe this, how strangers, willingly extend their help and support you though. For me, she must be one of the angels on earth. I am truly thankful for her. She took care of me on my second day of surgery, where i had to get out of my bed, one of the obstacles and it was comforting to have a malaysian motherly midwife to help me.

My mom and dad are arriving on Friday and I just can't wait. It will be so comforting to have them around. It's nice having my own mummy close to me in this situation. My dad is really excited that he's now a grandfather. My parents in law packed up 48kg worth of herbs, chinese medicine and some baby stuffs for my parents to bring over. Hubby told me that when his parents went over to my house in Malaysia, my dad proudly showed them pictures of Samantha on my wide screen tv. Hehe, thinking of this makes me smile.

I have so many things to be grateful for and I can see so much good flowing into my life. Our parents have always been in touch with us everyday, I think the connection get stronger as a result of this.

Stacey has been sending me emails which I love and look forward. I have learnt so much from this girl. I love her perspective of life and her positivity is infectious. She makes ppl laugh and she's a blessing to me.

Su Ying has been providing so much love to me and Sammie too!! always praying for us, ensuring I was ok and respected me as a friend.

Yvonne made me two bracelets which was carefully thought of and are a symbol of good luck, one for the baby and myself. Sammie and I are just so lucky!

Life is good. :-)

Find the gift within painful situations

I see the gifts within every situation I encounter. I am strong, sure and steady and God already knows the solution to every problem in my life. I surrender this situation with love and faith to the Divine, infinite wisdom of God. Thank You, God, for assisting me in every way. I now accept Your help completely.

Since mother's day, Sammie showed improvements, day by day. She showed us signs that she wanted to live and is going to fight the battle. She did a wee, I was just elated! Then she went on and did a poo, I couldn't be happier. It was all the small things that she did that mattered. She started to look more like a baby, the fluid retention reduced as she did more wee. Her medications slowly reduced, the scary equipment were weaned off and things started to get better. She is having food/nutrient via IV as she's not ready to have breast milk.

Then on Day 5 and Day 6, I welcomed visitors. I asked for support and help. I suddenly felt empowered doing that. I asked all my friends to bring something special for her, to decorate the area around her cot. I could focus on this, on creating a positive and loving environment for her.

My family deserve all good and happiness. Our friends are amazing, they came with gifts and thoughts and wishes for her. They prayed for her in front of us. They brought in cards with words that touches my heart, toys, symbols of love and blessings to her. They made me laugh with jokes and stories, it made things more normal. I felt the love and their love and wishes for Samantha. We are lucky and so grateful.

Her condition is stable now. She is getting stronger, lots of poo poo and urine. The fluid that she accumulated in her chest reduced. I will be patient for it to be completely gone. I just hope that she continues to stay tough, strong and overcome this tough battle. My hearts aches so much whenever I know she's unsettled, more aware and probably feeling some pain. When I am visiting and she's uncomfortable, I would hold her head and allow her to hold my finger. I can't help but feel sad sometimes that she has to go through pain and suffering when she's so tiny. My heart hurts.

Doctors are very happy with how she was progressing. She's getting very cute, especially when she opens her two eyes and give you that innocent stare. I know that I will be taking a roller coaster ride, there will be ups and downs. I embrace the experience, focus on the good and have faith.

I believe there is always some hidden blessing, such as learning patience, compassion, forgiveness and strength. I will focus on the blessing and always feel grateful no matter how hard it is or will be.

Today, I am grateful that she is alive. I am blessed. I believe in her.

A Day for Letting Go

Make the most of the present day. By Melody Beattie

EACH DAY, we can ask for and accept the healing energy of God and the Universe. Open your hearts and let that energy flow to you, through you, and on to others. When you live in the here-and-now, you can allow life to happen instead of trying to force outcomes. When you relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future, you can truly make the most of each present day.

Here are 10 affirmations to help you let go and let life happen!

Accepting Change:

Today I will be open to the process of change. I will trust my Higher Power and believe that the place where I’ll be dropped off is better than the place where I was picked up. I know that change is necessary to take me wherever I need to go.

Loving Myself Unconditionally:

Today I will work at loving myself unconditionally. God, please help me let go of self-loathing and other unproductive behaviors. Today, God, I want to hold myself in high self-esteem. I know I can do so with Your help.

Releasing Fear:

Today I will ask God to help me let go of my need to be afraid. I welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety into my life. I will make a point of listening to my healthy, rational fears, and will relinquish all the others.

Taking Risks:

Today I will ask God to help me begin to take healthy risks. I will ask for assistance in letting go of my fear of failure . . . and success. I will ask for help in fully living my life so that I can start experiencing all the wonderful parts of my journey.

Taking Time for Meditation and Prayer:

Today I will take a moment for meditation and prayer. I know that I’m a creation of God, and He loves me. God, through meditation and prayer, I have faith that I will hear You when You talk to me, and You will listen when I talk to You.

Apologizing:

Today I will try to be clear and healthy in my apologies, taking responsibility for my own actions and nobody else’s. I will seek God’s help in figuring out what I truly need to apologize for, and I will do so without reservation.

Focusing on Peace:

Today I will focus on a peaceful pace, rather than a harried one. I will keep moving forward gently, not frantically. I will let go of my need to be anxious and upset and will replace these feelings with calmness and harmony.

Allowing Things to Happen:

Today I will let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. I will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will have faith that my lessons will reveal themselves in their own time.

Practicing Gratitude:

Today I will practice gratitude. I will get in the habit of saying thank you, even for the “problems” in my life, because these challenges are valuable lessons I can learn from. Gratitude is the key that turns problems into blessings, and the unexpected into gifts.

Trusting God:

Today I will ask my Higher Power to send me His best, and I will trust that all that is good will come to me. I will remember that sometimes we don’t get what we want because God has something infinitely better in store for us.

Today, I let go.  :-)