Letter to my angel Sammie

I have heard that there are many benefits of writing a letter to a loved one who has passed on. It helps with the grieving or healing process.  Here's mine...

My dearest Sammie,

Thank you for sending me those signs everyday. Especially when I am feeling just a bit lost and empty, I would see a butterfly image somewhere around the house, like in a random magazine last week. Or when I am out, I would see butterflies of all shapes and colours fluttering around with joy.

I miss you very much. I love you so much. It has been almost one month and I miss you so much and loved to cuddle you. The month has passed so quickly and I think I have been occupying myself with things to do, classes to take to distract myself from feeling. I know how wrong it is! I have been focusing so much on what I am going to do to fill up the time that I have and have been coming up with lists and lists of things to do. Now, I am a nervous wreck thinking too much about the future. Oh GOSH, I know! I know you are going to tell me to relax and just be in the moment. What a difficult task!

Sometimes, I feel like all of this is just unfair. Why would something like this happen to you, you are just so adorable and beautiful. Why I couldn't take you home or spend more time with you? Why loving you breaks my heart? You have done nothing wrong to harm anyone and why would you have to go through so much? Where is God?

Losing you makes me feel like a part of me has died and I am forever a changed person. I know I haven't been expressing my feelings as much as I want to. Some of these emotions are stuck, I can feel it in my belly, all that anxiety, anger and grief are still stuck there, needing to be shifted. I guess I gotta just let it be and trust that healing is taking place. Sammie, would you help mummy and guide me on my journey to peace and happiness?

I guess Thank goodness I am aware of it. That's the first step isn't it, my lil Sammie. I guess, after one month, both daddy and mummy are doing not too bad. We are still doing things, we cry but also laugh, we appreciate one another so much, knowing how fragile and precious life is. We talk about you openly and we try our best to express our feelings to each other. This is all new but I guess change is the only thing constant in the human life.

Guess what, we are even drinking green smoothies! Yay to us.

Love you Sammie.

Mummy.

Grieve

Some days I feel light and free, enjoying this change trusting that this is an opportunity for myself to do things differently in my life. Some days, I find myself crying early in the morning, feeling low, full of grief, missing my precious little Sammie. Especially on that last day of my Bali retreat. I am allowing myself to feel the emotions as they arise as I know how important it is to honour them, to give them importance as overtime my heart will heal. Each day I take it as it is, letting go and just showing up and doing things that I love.

I have a plan for my grieving. Yeah, sounds odd. But I think I like to take responsibility or take charge over my life. I have thought of doing a self care/grieve rescue box where I can just go to during moments when I need the extra love or when that wave of grief uninvitingly hit you hard in your heart. I am reading books on grief and loss as reading another person's story somehow brings comfort to me and knowing how they cope gives me inspiration and hope.

One of my top things to do as part of my grieving process is to not walk away from looking at her pictures or avoiding it, which is something I tend to do in the past. I decide to face it straight on. Boy, it was just so tough. The first day of sorting and compiling and editing her pictures, I was in tears for hours. The second day got easier and now I am almost done with her photobook and I am feeling that great sense of accomplishment! Go Sue!You can do this!

I decided to commit myself to a 365 day gratitude and thank you project. I am exciteddd! I have signed up for cake decorating class in Greensborough and I am all set for my first day of photography course this coming Saturday. Life is just too short to not follow my heart. Life can be quite good if we change our perspective.

love to all...

Change

I know positive changes are happening. Sammie’s presence, signs and presence are divine and perfect. She was connected to the number “5”, she was born on the 10.05.2013, she left us on the 15.10.2013, her room was 545, she was at level 5 of the butterfly ward, she left us gracefully at what I believe to be around 5 plus in the afternoon. She was here on earth for 5 months. The angelic meaning of “5” is change and always for the better. Butterflies are a sign of change and transformation. Yes, my lil sammie, I get you, I know what you want for me, for all of us.

I guess it's normal to resist change. Steven Pressfield, author of the book "The war of Art" says 

"Resistance is a negative force that arises whenever we try to move from a lower level to a higher level”

“Never forget: This very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny. This second we can turn the tables on Resistance."

I am trying to turn the tables on resistance right now. I miss Sammie especially when I am expressing milk, early in the mornings. Now, I only express milk 3-4 times a day as I prefer to do the natural suppression of breast milk rather than to take medication to stop the supply. Although I feel connected to her and feel her presence everyday, I cannot lie that I do miss her physical presence. I allow that as this is just a phase, a process, a journey for healing. By uncovering one layer of resistance, I can open a door. Change is one of the great truths of life. I am going to be gentle and kind to myself. J

My routine everyday used to be waking up at 7am everyday to express milk, then I will prepare breakfast whilst spin a few batches of milk using my own centrifuge. Then I would sterilise the bottles and pumps parts, wash the dishes, pop the separated milk into the fridge for the fat to solidify. After that, I would drive to the hospital for my first visit in time for the morning doctor's round. Depending on the day, some mornings, I get to do some physical therapy or OT with her. :-) Usually I would spend 2 hours with her and then drive home for lunch. I would then tediously extract the skim portion of the milk out of 15ml centrifuge tubes, there are 6 tubes a batch and I normally make 6-7 batches a day. When I was extracting, that's when I would have my moment of silence, I would just concentrate and focus on drawing this liquid gold using a capillary tube, a needle and a 20 ml syringe. After that, I would package and label to deliver fresh to the hospital. Since the process was so repetitive, I took that chance to practice my Kundulini Yoga breaths..I just try to be in the moment, it felt like I was meditating. I found a way to see this as a blessing rather than complain or resent towards it.

Then I would watch the 12pm Ellen Degeneres show at Channel 9, just to get my daily dose of jokes and laughter. I found that it is just so important to laugh each day, no matter what "sh*t" you are going through. It's just so good for the soul....hehe..

I would then wash the centrifuge tubes, sterilise them and dry them for the next day. By 2-3pm, I would walk to the hospital. I lovee my walks. Really loook forward to it. There were just so many things to see on the way there, I visited the ducks at the pond, watched them do their thing, I love saying hi to all the beautiful flowers, all different kinds, so unique in it's own way. Walking was sacred for me, it was the time I could just enjoy nature at its best. 

When I reached the hospital, I would be so refreshed and joyful, and that's how I like Sammie to greet me with. A positive, happy mummy. I would play with her, express milk, talk to her, give her a bath/wash and a massage, have long cuddles and then wait for Daddy to come at around 6pm. The evening doctor's round is always around 5- 5.30pm. Everyday is slightly different, what i described earlier was a very good day. Some days, the only thing i could do was just to talk to her or just sit by her side and read her a book, no cuddles or wash as it was too difficult with the tubes and drains,

Although it sounds hectic, I insist in going for my post-natal pilates every Wednesday and my Thursdays and Saturdays 9am Kundulini Yoga. Self care and self love is important for me as in order for me give to others, in my case Sammie and hubby, I got to love and take care of myself first.

Yes, I do miss going back to the hospital. The children's hospital is really amazing. I am very impressed. The vibrant colours, the cute children drawings, the good vibes, the occasional performances and events by volunteers made a difference to my experience. I miss seeing the nurses, doctors, social workers, care managers, OT therapists, pastoral care worker and even the cleaners! They are just awesome people. I miss going to the lollies aisle at Woolworths to choose the selection of chocolates and lollies to bring for the week. I loveeeee seeing the joy in their faces when they come in to Sammie's room to say hi to us and get a treat. They work really really hard and I believe they deserve all the goodness in the world. I found that I am happier when I give and we just did that, we gave as much as we could. It's quite easy to make another person happy.

Although I miss all that, I am thankful for the peace I feel everyday since my last goodbye on Saturday. It's all ok. I know that this is a process and one day I will be at that higher level and all resistance will dissolve. There is so much love and peace and nothing is really lost. Or possibly I have gained more than what I have lost. Who knows?

We watched the movie "About Time" yesterday and I loveeee Rachel McAdams. I just loveee the movieee, I cried, what a release! haha...I like movies that are so heartfelt, that you can give your eyelids a good wash, haha. The movie tells us that it's better to live each day once, as if it was the last, and to just enjoy our life. How true!

Death is not the biggest fear we have;

Our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive-

The risk to be alive and express what we really are-

Don Miguel Ruiz.

Thank you Heartfelt foundation!

I love photos, I think I may have a passion for photography. As photos are able to capture the moments,  awesome details, the memories, they are just so important to me.

I always dreamt of having a professional photoshoot for our family and thanks to heartfelt, they made it happen for us. Thank you for giving us the gift of photographic memories of our last final hours with baby Sammie! :-)

Birdy - Wings (Official Video), loving this song, :-)

Saying goodbye to my precious Sammie

Life is a gift. Only when we lose something, only we see the value of it.  Thus, i feel that it is so important to be grateful as being thankful and grateful, I can see the beauty and the goodness I have at every moment.

I am grateful that I am able to say goodbye to Sammie peacefully. On the 13th of October, which is my grandma's bday, my baby's heart stopped. Hubby was there when it happened. My heart sank so low when I heard the loud emergency alarm, I somehow know that it was from Sammie's room. A whole team of amazing doctors and nurses ran toward her and managed to resuscitate her and bring her back to life. They were just so professional, organised and they knew what they were doing. We were told that although we have managed to save her, her downtime was 5 minutes and her kidneys were not working already. If she didn't wee, she might not make it through the night.

Guess what, she did wee and poo-ed even! I remembered she opened her eyes,  moved her eyes, licked her tongue the very next day trying to tell us that she's ok. She is just so amazing.

On the 15th of October, when the doctor told us the results of the MRI of her brain, I knew that Sammie had chosen and it was time to let her go. We cried hard, when he said it out loud. It was just painful to accept this fact as I love her so much but I knew that this was coming. We decided to stop treatment as a team as it's the best for her. I felt that sense of peace that I didn't make the decision for her, she chose and I respect and honour that.

Compassion. That's what we received throughout the 5 months. I never fully understood the word until that day. We wanted to take her out to the gardens and the wonderful team at the RCH made that happen for us. Our social worker organised everything for us and our primary doctor and nurse stayed with us throughout the whole afternoon. We had professional photography done, we cleaned and bathed her, we cuddled her for very long at the garden, sang to her and said our last words. It was just perfect.

Final Goodbye:
19th October, 10am at the sunken garden, Queens Park

It was a day of tears of sadness and as well as peace. It was a day to remember and acknowledge her life and our celebrant managed to do that so well. It was the day I know that from now on, I can always choose love than fear. It was the a day we received so many kind and comforting words, hugs and support. I still have faith that joy will come. Joy is everywhere if we look hard enough.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming to be there for us. You know who you are. We are just very lucky and deeply touched to get all the support. I will let the pictures tell the story.

Sharing the verse by Jim Howard:-

Where I have gone I am not so small.

My soul is as wide as the world is tall.

I have gone to answer this call,

The call of the one who takes care of us all.

Wherever you look, you will find me there,

In the heart of a rose, in the heart of a prayer.

On butterflies' wings, on wings of my own,

To you, I'm gone, but I'm never alone.

I'm over the moon, and I am home.

Love to all, peace to all, let the heart lead the way.

Kutless - What Faith Can Do (Official Music Video)