Change

I know positive changes are happening. Sammie’s presence, signs and presence are divine and perfect. She was connected to the number “5”, she was born on the 10.05.2013, she left us on the 15.10.2013, her room was 545, she was at level 5 of the butterfly ward, she left us gracefully at what I believe to be around 5 plus in the afternoon. She was here on earth for 5 months. The angelic meaning of “5” is change and always for the better. Butterflies are a sign of change and transformation. Yes, my lil sammie, I get you, I know what you want for me, for all of us.

I guess it's normal to resist change. Steven Pressfield, author of the book "The war of Art" says 

"Resistance is a negative force that arises whenever we try to move from a lower level to a higher level”

“Never forget: This very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny. This second we can turn the tables on Resistance."

I am trying to turn the tables on resistance right now. I miss Sammie especially when I am expressing milk, early in the mornings. Now, I only express milk 3-4 times a day as I prefer to do the natural suppression of breast milk rather than to take medication to stop the supply. Although I feel connected to her and feel her presence everyday, I cannot lie that I do miss her physical presence. I allow that as this is just a phase, a process, a journey for healing. By uncovering one layer of resistance, I can open a door. Change is one of the great truths of life. I am going to be gentle and kind to myself. J

My routine everyday used to be waking up at 7am everyday to express milk, then I will prepare breakfast whilst spin a few batches of milk using my own centrifuge. Then I would sterilise the bottles and pumps parts, wash the dishes, pop the separated milk into the fridge for the fat to solidify. After that, I would drive to the hospital for my first visit in time for the morning doctor's round. Depending on the day, some mornings, I get to do some physical therapy or OT with her. :-) Usually I would spend 2 hours with her and then drive home for lunch. I would then tediously extract the skim portion of the milk out of 15ml centrifuge tubes, there are 6 tubes a batch and I normally make 6-7 batches a day. When I was extracting, that's when I would have my moment of silence, I would just concentrate and focus on drawing this liquid gold using a capillary tube, a needle and a 20 ml syringe. After that, I would package and label to deliver fresh to the hospital. Since the process was so repetitive, I took that chance to practice my Kundulini Yoga breaths..I just try to be in the moment, it felt like I was meditating. I found a way to see this as a blessing rather than complain or resent towards it.

Then I would watch the 12pm Ellen Degeneres show at Channel 9, just to get my daily dose of jokes and laughter. I found that it is just so important to laugh each day, no matter what "sh*t" you are going through. It's just so good for the soul....hehe..

I would then wash the centrifuge tubes, sterilise them and dry them for the next day. By 2-3pm, I would walk to the hospital. I lovee my walks. Really loook forward to it. There were just so many things to see on the way there, I visited the ducks at the pond, watched them do their thing, I love saying hi to all the beautiful flowers, all different kinds, so unique in it's own way. Walking was sacred for me, it was the time I could just enjoy nature at its best. 

When I reached the hospital, I would be so refreshed and joyful, and that's how I like Sammie to greet me with. A positive, happy mummy. I would play with her, express milk, talk to her, give her a bath/wash and a massage, have long cuddles and then wait for Daddy to come at around 6pm. The evening doctor's round is always around 5- 5.30pm. Everyday is slightly different, what i described earlier was a very good day. Some days, the only thing i could do was just to talk to her or just sit by her side and read her a book, no cuddles or wash as it was too difficult with the tubes and drains,

Although it sounds hectic, I insist in going for my post-natal pilates every Wednesday and my Thursdays and Saturdays 9am Kundulini Yoga. Self care and self love is important for me as in order for me give to others, in my case Sammie and hubby, I got to love and take care of myself first.

Yes, I do miss going back to the hospital. The children's hospital is really amazing. I am very impressed. The vibrant colours, the cute children drawings, the good vibes, the occasional performances and events by volunteers made a difference to my experience. I miss seeing the nurses, doctors, social workers, care managers, OT therapists, pastoral care worker and even the cleaners! They are just awesome people. I miss going to the lollies aisle at Woolworths to choose the selection of chocolates and lollies to bring for the week. I loveeeee seeing the joy in their faces when they come in to Sammie's room to say hi to us and get a treat. They work really really hard and I believe they deserve all the goodness in the world. I found that I am happier when I give and we just did that, we gave as much as we could. It's quite easy to make another person happy.

Although I miss all that, I am thankful for the peace I feel everyday since my last goodbye on Saturday. It's all ok. I know that this is a process and one day I will be at that higher level and all resistance will dissolve. There is so much love and peace and nothing is really lost. Or possibly I have gained more than what I have lost. Who knows?

We watched the movie "About Time" yesterday and I loveeee Rachel McAdams. I just loveee the movieee, I cried, what a release! haha...I like movies that are so heartfelt, that you can give your eyelids a good wash, haha. The movie tells us that it's better to live each day once, as if it was the last, and to just enjoy our life. How true!

Death is not the biggest fear we have;

Our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive-

The risk to be alive and express what we really are-

Don Miguel Ruiz.