Sharing my speech/eulogy at Sammie's beautiful memorial service

I just thought i should share this for all my friends and family all over the world whose life has been touched my our lil sammie...

Thank you everyone for coming today. It means a lot to us that you are here to support us during this vulnerable time. There is a quote by Brene Brown which I love and I would like to share:

“ Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy- it is the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness, will we discover the infinite power of our light”

(Thank you Julie from little waves support group for sharing this quote with me)

My Dearest precious Sammie,

Thank you for choosing me to be your mummy. I am just so blessed to have you in my life. I will never forget the day when you were born, 10^th May 2013. Although I didn’t hear a cry from you, when I laid my eyes on you, even just for that 2 minutes as the baby doctors needed to work on you, I fell in love with you immediately. I felt this sense love, unexplainable bliss and warmth enveloping my body and I knew I had to do my best to nurture and protect and love you unconditionally. When Lisa, our baby doctor at the Royal Women’s hospital told me that she had managed to drain the fluid out of your chest and that you were responding well, I was just so relieved and thankful. I was told before the birth that if you survived the birth, it’s a miracle. Thank you for giving me that miracle.

You are amazing, Sammie. I believe you came 7 weeks early into this world to celebrate mother’s day! Everyone said you were very swollen, but I thought you were very cute and chubby! It was such a bittersweet mother’s day as I was told by the doctors that you were requiring maximum support at the Neonatal Incentive Unit and if you didn’t wee, we should prepare for the worse as there is a low chance that you will survive the night. They brought out the big, scary high frequency oscillator ventilator and then you seem to respond well.  You are just such a drama queen, my lil baby. Day after day, you slowly improve, you did a wee, a poo, and you listened to me to fight on and give your best. You are such a fighter.

I love you Sammie, for showing me the power of love, for teaching me about faith, hope and miracles. You thought me to appreciate every moment and to be present. You taught me to be very very patient. I had my first kangaroo cuddle at Day 24 and it was just so magical. You were perfect, the breathing tubes, IV lines, chest drain tubes didn’t matter to me. I heard your first soft cry at Day 80, slightly over 2 months when you were extubated to CPAP. And You even breathed on your own after 4.5 months. I knew that when there is hope, there is faith, where there is faith, miracles can occur.

On the 31^st of August, we started on the centrifuged breast milk trial after countless failed attempts with the monogen formula milk. I knew that I cannot give up on you just yet. Mummy is just so lucky to have found the little waves Facebook support group whereby I got to know an American mom from Florida, Ginger who told me that she believed centrifuged breast milk healed her baby.   It took a lot of courage to present the articles about it to your doctors and request for it to be an option for you as this has not been done in Australia at all. It was tedious, expressing for 4 months with faith to maintain my breast milk supply but I had faith in you. I was just so happy when I could finally feed you with my breast milk after 4 months!!!  I didn’t mind spending 6-7 times expressing milk using a breast milk a day and spending 2 hours a day to spin the milk using a centrifuge to make fat free breast milk. I just wanted you to get the best thing ever! I felt so happy that I could have a way to provide to you. I am glad you loved it as you went up to full feeds on it. I hope you felt loved and yes, you deserve the best. I think how great are you to leave such a legacy as this is going to help other babies in the future.

Sammie, Although there were lots of tears of sadness and grief, especially when you weren’t doing so well, I found a way to find the joy and see the gift in this situation. You were such a blessing to me and I love spending my time with you. I always look forward to cuddle times, nappy changes and wash/bath times. I just love to kiss you, read to you and sing to you. Thank you for giving me a chance to do all that over the past 5 months.

Your passing is such a shock to us as you left us at what I believe to be your best condition. I know you were listening at the doctors’ round last friday, this is really not part of the plan. I guess God has better plans for you. I believed that you chose to leave with style, at your best, looking your best. You gave me such a fright on the 13^th of October, when your heart stopped. I thank my lucky stars that our primary Doctor, Anastasia was on duty during the weekend as she rescued you so that mummy and daddy can have extra 2 days with you. Could you have planned this all along? Sammie, don’t you think Anastasia is such an awesome, amazing, kind and smart doctor? We all just adore her. You left us on the 15^th so peacefully and gracefully and it was just perfect, we could bathe you, do footprints and handprints and talk to you, sing to you before you took your last breathe.

Dearest Sammie, I saw you the next day after you passed on as a butterfly. A yellow butterfly fluttered really quickly passed me at the underground carpark of the Children’s hospital, Daddy was carrying your ducky swing chair and we were just talking about you. Thank you for that. I asked you to give me a sign that you are ok and happy and you did. The butterfly ward was your home for many months and it was just perfect to see you as a butterfly. I just felt so much peace and it did make me smile. Sammie, I have promised you and your daddy that I will take care of myself, I will be strong for you. I will never give up finding way to be happy. You have shown me courage and strength and you will always be my inspiration.

You were here on earth for a moment but left with a lifetime of love.  I am forever grateful for that. I love you forever.