Dearest Sammie...

Mummy was so excited to see you yesterday. You opened your eyes when we came, as though knowing that we were there by your side. You are such a strong baby, so resilient and so inspiring. There are so much that you have taught Mummy since you were born 2 weeks ago. You showed your authentic self the whole time, expressing how you feel all the time without holding back and never giving up. Mummy is so proud of you.

After expressing milk by your side, I saw you in distress. It could be because of the secretions as a result of a huge breathing tube down your throat or it could be because you are uncomfortable and in pain. Mummy saw you trying to pull out those tubes. I know you don't want them, it's probably annoying for you, but please listen to mummy, and the doctors, the better you get, the less tubes you have. Remember that.

You know the feeling of your heart being pierced sharply by thousands of knives? That's how I felt at that moment, Sam. I wish I could take the pain, discomfort from you for myself. All I want is for you to be happy, healthy and safe. That simple, no other expectations. I know I have to be very strong for you as you are so strong yourself...As your auntie Lilin said, you are showing signs that you are more aware, recovering and thus more expressive with how you feel. We can see this in a positive way and believe that this is only temporary and the pain will pass.

Although mummy feel that way, I still believe in you and have heaps of faith that you are going to be healthy and happy and in mummy's arms one day.

Daddy visited you last night again and you held his hand and he told me that you looked happy and settled. He must have tempted you with the countless Mcdonalds that you can have and the holidays that he will take you along...hehe..

Thank you Sammie, for being my daughter...I love you very much.

Ps...Daddy found out yesterday that Mummy has been writing on this blog. He hasn't seen it yet and I know he doesn't like me to go into details. I kept it a lil secret because I knew I had to follow my heart and do whatever that makes me feel better. Having this allow me reaffirm things, refocus, and as well as keep me connected with friends and family that I care so much about. With this blog, I didn't have to repeat the whole story again and again and thus focusing on the drama of it so many times. There are better things to channel my energy to. However, I want people I care so much about to walk with me in this journey, to be in my life, and not block them out. I can trust my family and friends to keep it private and to respect what I have shared in here. Hope that Daddy's not too angry and is forgiving.


XOXO,
Mummy.