Day 11, Wednesday, 22nd May

Today is day 11 of Samantha's NICU stay. My precious lil daughter was more settled when hubby went to visit her yesterday. He sees her twice everyday to talk and sing to her. As I am in my confinement, I fully accept that I am going to see her every couple of days or alternate days, so that I can rest, recover and be physically, emotionally, mentally strong for her.

On saturday, I felt like I was in prison! Today, I decided to appreciate this opportunity as I am blessed with time for myself. I get to practise an act of self love, to recover from the intensity of everything for the past couple of weeks.  I realised that I always have a choice to change the way i think. I am going to view this as a little retreat whereby I am focusing on my body, mind and soul. I guess, if I don't love myself first, how do I love others? If mom's happy, baby's happy for sure. :-)

"The art of motherhood is to find the perfect balance between giving the best to your child and also keeping yourself happy"

I woke up at 5am this morning, having the longest continuous deep sleep so far! I am feeling good, well rested and very positive.

Hubby's been cooking a yummy variety of confinement food, all with consultation with his own mummy. I am so lucky to have him and my parents in law. I know my mom in law cares so much for me and bought all these herbs and taught hubby about confinement. She's in the baby business and thus, she has probably seen it all, knowing that this is important. For me, I just accept the love and go with it, appreciating all the efforts taken to prepare them.

I do miss baby on days when I am not visiting her. However, I always console myself that she's in the best place ever and she's having private special moments with daddy first.

I keep myself occupied with expressing milk every 2 hours. I feel happy doing this, and I don't understand why. I guess we don't need explanations or justifications for everything. I will be seeing the lactation nurse at NICU for some advice and also to check in if I am on track with the expressing. As long as I feel positive about this, I will continue with it.
I know the doctors warned me that there is a chance Samantha might not accept my breast milk very well or it could cause accumulation of fluid in her chest. I won't give up just like this. For me, anything can happen in future, at this present moment, this is what I want to do so that if she can drink my breast milk, I have the supply for her. Life has heaps of risks anyway, why not just take the leap of faith.

Today, hubby will be collecting our new car! I am just so excited and happy that things are slowly coming together and falling in place.

A malaysian midwife from the royal women's hospital who took care of me texted me last night saying that she has been praying for Samantha and been visiting her. She told me that when she saw her last, my lil Sammie opened her eyes. She must have felt the love from this midwife. She was the one who told me to visualise a whole, healthy and smiling baby and ignore all the tubes and scary equipment. She told me that she emailed her church friends to pray for us. I can't believe this, how strangers, willingly extend their help and support you though. For me, she must be one of the angels on earth. I am truly thankful for her. She took care of me on my second day of surgery, where i had to get out of my bed, one of the obstacles and it was comforting to have a malaysian motherly midwife to help me.

My mom and dad are arriving on Friday and I just can't wait. It will be so comforting to have them around. It's nice having my own mummy close to me in this situation. My dad is really excited that he's now a grandfather. My parents in law packed up 48kg worth of herbs, chinese medicine and some baby stuffs for my parents to bring over. Hubby told me that when his parents went over to my house in Malaysia, my dad proudly showed them pictures of Samantha on my wide screen tv. Hehe, thinking of this makes me smile.

I have so many things to be grateful for and I can see so much good flowing into my life. Our parents have always been in touch with us everyday, I think the connection get stronger as a result of this.

Stacey has been sending me emails which I love and look forward. I have learnt so much from this girl. I love her perspective of life and her positivity is infectious. She makes ppl laugh and she's a blessing to me.

Su Ying has been providing so much love to me and Sammie too!! always praying for us, ensuring I was ok and respected me as a friend.

Yvonne made me two bracelets which was carefully thought of and are a symbol of good luck, one for the baby and myself. Sammie and I are just so lucky!

Life is good. :-)