The day after.. 

11th May 2013, Saturday

The first day of the surgery, I had to be bedridden, so I focused on expressing my colostrum. I couldn't really sleep because I was still digesting it all and coming to terms that I was already a MOM!

So, the day after the surgery, I had to get out of bed. And it was the most painful experience. I was warned and luckily i asked, as if you do not try to move around due to the pain, recovery would be harder. I felt that my insides were tearing and the intense pain was very sharp when i was walking. However, I persevered, knowing it's all going to get better. The pain is just temporary.

It was the day I could see my precious lil girl Sammie, after being separated from her for a day. I was really excited and I couldn't wait! Hubby took me on a wheelchair to see her at NICU. To tell you the truth, although i was wanted to see her so much, I was really drowsy from all the pain relief I was taking. Doctors told me that the best thing to do for myself is to keep up with the pain relief so that I could moving around, avoiding any risk of blood clots.

I was so tired and sleepy, yet excited. When I got to her cot area, I was impressed with the facilities and the space. Dr Alicia came and speak to me immediately as it was the first time I was there. The best part of NICU is that they keep you up to date about your baby's progress and there are lots of honest communication. However, I nearly doze off while speaking to her, my eyelids heavy and I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying.

My heart hurts when I saw her. I apologised to her that she has to suffer when she entered into this world. There must be something to learn here. She is really having intensive care, the number of lines going through, the equipments they used. It was really not a pretty sight. Hubby and I made a decision that we are keeping her photos very private for the moment until we are ready. This is an act of self care, as we just don't want to answer all those difficult questions or hear words from people that may hurt you, although they don't mean to. We need to protect our sensitivity to keep us going and focus on her and what really matters.

She opened her right eye when i was there. Hubby was so excited and said that she can feel my presence! This was the first time she did that. A milestone. One of the many beautiful ones. it must be the connection, mother and daughter.  I was really tired, so I didn't stay long, all i wanted to do was to sleep. I do not want her to see me like this, I want to be full of energy, positive and strong whenever I am around her. I believe that your energy would influence your surroundings.

I went back to my room, hubby left to do house chores and cook dinner, that was when I broke down in tears. Probably it was hormonal? But i know after a good cry, I will get back up and be stronger than before. I got to be gentle to myself, love myself and acknowledge the emotions. I know that I do not want to fall into post natal depression and I make all efforts to prevent that.

Hwei san and boon hoe came with flowers and balloons. Though i was sleepy it was nice to see familar faces. I felt comfortable and happy. She gave me a book called nurture and I love it!

I started opening my heart and seek comfort in friends. Especially Su Ying. I just felt comfortable when I chat with her as she did not pressure me with questions and was patient. I know that in this world, you are meant to walk it with many people and you would attract people who mirrors you. She constantly ask if I needed anything and I was able to open up slowly to her. I requested for some beads from the temple as I wanted to put by Sammie's cot side and she went to get a purple one for me which signifies good health. I meditated with loving kindness and leave it close to Samantha.

Linda, Ruth and Su came for a quick visit that night and I feel so blessed to have them as friends. They brought me food, books, flowers, and the beads. That night, i decided that it was nice having people visit me, it just felt great. So I was open to have people visit me on Sunday, Mothers day.