Mother's Day

I felt so privileged that I am a mother and could celebrate Mother's Day in 2013! This is my first mothers day. I think all mothers should be pampered and celebrated as mom's are awesome!

I woke up really early that morning and walked very slowly to NICU to see Samantha. The nurses wished me "Happy Mother's Day" and handed me a card. The people in NICU are really supportive and nice. I am so lucky that I am in Australia and people do care about your wellbeing and show compassion towards you.

A doctor came and talked to me. He said they would arrange a "chat" later in the morning when hubby comes in. I instantly knew something was not right, and felt insecure. 

A consultant, and baby doctors and nurse were in the consultation room with us. She broke the news saying that it was hard to stabilise my precious samantha the night before. There were many times they had to rescue her. Many doctors and nurses had to give her attention. It was critical.

My heart sank. I didn't want to hear that. She said that we have to prepare for the worse, that she may not make it if her condition deteriorate. I know the prognosis is not good for babies like this. I usually cry privately, but then at that moment, I couldn't hold in my tears at all. I kept crying as I was helpless, there was fear, I may lose my precious girl.

Hubby was really steady and calm, he's one tough nut. He told them that he wants more time for Samantha and hoped that the doctors will give her that. It's so that it gives her a chance to fight the battle. The doctors agreed and said that they will do everything they can to support her.

They brought out the high frequency oscillator ventilator for Sammie. This was what they call maximum support, there will be no other equipment more powerful than this, so if she didn't respond well to this, there was nothing much they could do.

After that, i wiped my tears and they left me and hubby alone to talk. Hubby said he believed in Sammie and it was still early days and anything could happen. We need to have faith.  I agreed and we went back to see her and I prayed very hard by her cot side. I chanted to Buddha Lian Shen to protect her and for her to be free of suffering and pain.

I canceled all hospital visits from friends and colleagues that day. I needed time for myself. I need to get back up and rebuild my faith and be strong. I needed to take care of myself first. I do not owe an explanation or justification to anyone in this world. I do not have to seek approval of others and compromise my needs. I need to exercise self care that day and give more love to myself, be in tune with my inner self so that my mind was clear. I do not have to respond to difficult questions...

On mothers day, I cried and wailed and prayed very very hard.  I have asked Mandy how to pray to Living Buddha Lian Shen for Sammie. She then called me and gave me words of encouragement and said then she dreamt of me and baby last thursday and i was passing a smiling baby to her. I felt really good hearing that, that someone else believed in her, my baby. I felt better.

I chose. I can still choose to be the positive and strong mom at this situation. I want to give my Sammie all the positive energy I have got and leave the rest to God, Buddha, Angels, Mother Mary and Kuan Yin. I know if i prayed hard enough and if I believed in her and have heart to heart chats, mother and daughter chats, she may receive those messages.

I chose to believe in her. That was a turning point. I asked everyone i know to pray for her. I reached out to babycenter forum moms and melbourne moms facebook group. They all prayed for us, and thought of us. I gain some comfort in that I am not alone. Never alone in this. I have got my hubby, my parents, my parents in law, my family, my friends to back me up if I do fall. 

I welcome all the support I can get and I can seek help when I need it. I deserve to be happy and healthy.  I want and deserve this child and I would love her unconditionally and I would accept her for whoever she is and let her be herself. I welcome her into my family, she will be loved, appreciated and treasured.

Dear Precious Samantha,

You are the world's greatest gift to me. You are healthy and happy. You are pure loving light and you have a beautiful soul. You inspire us as parents as we could see your fighting spirit even when you are in my womb. All is well in our world. You are loved unconditionally forever. Thank you for being my child. Mummy is so lucky.

Love, 

Mummy.